The Girl Who Dared to Think 4: The Girl Who Dared to Rise Read online

  Lacey’s face was transfixed, but a tremor ran through her body. Her stiff arms and rigid spine lost their tension as the trembling continued. I watched as the planes of her face morphed from anger to terror, and then despair, the edges of her mouth, her nose, her eyebrows, her cheeks, all pulling inexorably down, reflecting the collision course her heart was undergoing. She hadn’t wanted to believe it, not even staring it in the face. But now… now she had to.

  A ragged sob escaped her, and she dropped to her hands and knees on the floor, her shoulders quaking. One hand went to her mouth, while the other pushed her back into a kneeling position, her arm wrapping around her. Tears streamed down her cheeks, though she tried to stifle her sobs behind her trembling hand, and she rocked back and forth, seeming to curl further and further into herself.

  My own hand went to my mouth, my heart breaking to see such a strong woman so shattered and devastated.

  Your fault, a voice inside my head reminded me grimly, and I accepted the blame solemnly. I would take it all on if it meant sparing Lacey some of this pain. If only I could take it all back.

  I used it all and channeled it back into the frigid cold, forcing my raucous emotional state down once more. I was getting tired of doing it—soon I wouldn’t be able to maintain any semblance of calm—but I managed to find one last reserve of strength, and use it.

  I moved over to her, unable to see her on the floor like that without doing anything, and knelt down next to her, my arm going over her back. The intention was to help her up and onto the sofa, but as soon as my hand touched her back, she jerked away from me with a harsh “Don’t touch me,” one arm shooting away from her and shoving me.

  The move caught me by surprise, and she tipped me off balance, causing me to fall onto my rear. I wasn’t hurt, just surprised, and I watched her wearily as she clambered to her feet. Leo raced over to me, his hands outstretched to help me up, but I held up a hand and waved him off. I wasn’t injured. At least, not physically.

  Lacey finally righted herself and towered over me, her fists clenched into tight balls. “You stupid girl!” she spat, her voice warbling with sorrow. “You did this—you got him killed!”

  I met her gaze solemnly, trying not to break. “I know.”

  Lacey made a strangled noise from the recesses of her throat and clenched her eyes shut, tears leaking from them. “I should do it,” she said, shuddering. “I should turn you and your friends over to Zale and let him throw you in those awful expulsion chambers.”

  Her eyes slid open as she spoke, and the look she gave me was full of hatred and loathing. My heart seized up as her words settled down on me, and I remained locked in place. “Lacey… please don’t hurt my friends. I’m their leader, and it’s my fault. Please don’t punish them. Please.”

  I was aware that I was begging, but I didn’t care. My friends meant everything to me; if Lacey hurt them or got them killed, I’d never be able to forgive myself. I’d die knowing that I had failed them—but with the state of mind Lacey seemed to be in, she’d see that as justice.

  She stared at me, and then suddenly turned and walked away, into the kitchen area. I followed her with my eyes, and watched as she put her hands on the edge of the counter and gripped it tightly. She stayed there, not saying anything.

  I waited, and then slowly started to pick myself off the ground. I made it to my feet, and still, she didn’t say or do anything. She just stood there with her back to us, motionless. Leo and I exchanged glances, and then I took a tentative step forward.

  “Lacey?” Her head shifted slightly, but that was all. I took it as a sign to continue. Only, I wasn’t entirely sure what to say. What could anyone say, really? My mind searched for the right words, but there was only one thing in my heart I wanted an answer to. “Are my friends safe?”

  Lacey shifted her weight. “Do you think I had them killed as soon as Grey’s call came in?”

  I looked at Leo sharply, and he gave me an apologetic look. “She needed to know,” he said simply.

  He was right, but netting her had been a risk, and still was—nothing I had said thus far had given her any reason to spare us, and I had little reason to believe that anything we did say would have an effect. Still, I had to try.

  I focused on Lacey’s back. “Are my friends safe?” I asked, stressing the word. Lacey turned around slightly, showing me the profile of her face. “Please, Lacey. I need to know.”

  She licked her lips. “They’re fine,” she bit out. “They’re still looking for your youngest friend, along with my men.”

  A breath I didn’t even know I had been holding escaped, and I felt a moment of relief. But it quickly faded. Just because they were safe now didn’t mean that they would be later. I needed to focus, and find out what Lacey was going to do with us.

  “Lacey, I—”

  “Just shut up, Liana,” she said in an irritated whisper. I let my words die, and waited. She raised a hand to her eyes and began wiping the tears away, trying to compose herself. After several more long, pregnant seconds, she glanced over at us. She didn’t quite meet my gaze. “The council is suspending the Tourney for now, while the investigation is ongoing,” she mumbled thickly.

  She must’ve gotten the information through her net, though it amazed me that she could still participate in the council while grieving.

  She paused, her mouth open, and then closed it, shaking her head. I waited patiently, and eventually she started again. “Stay here. Answer the investigators’ questions when they come, and stick to the story. I need…” She faltered again, and swallowed, clearing her throat. “I need some time to think.”

  A deep fissure cracked through my defenses, and I felt the small amount of control I had over myself slip. The lost sound of Lacey’s voice—her confusion and pain—touched a place inside me that made my heart shatter into a thousand pieces for her. I was breaking—I knew it—but I managed to keep it from showing as she made her way to the door, moving at a ponderous pace.

  She opened it up with a soft sigh, stepped into the hallway, and then turned around and looked back at us. I could feel the weight of her gaze on me, pinning me in place. Then she was gone, the door shutting between us.

  My knees buckled seconds later, and I fell to the floor, my entire body shaking.

  3

  Lacey was going to kill us. And we couldn’t run—not without Tian. Plus, we didn’t have anywhere to hide. I didn’t know what to do.

  My chest seized as a deep, fierce agony caught me, and I lost what little strength I had left and began to sob. I had failed. I had killed us all. I was a monster.

  Hands gently slid along my back and middle, rolling me onto my side, but too many tears were flowing for me to see who it was—and my heart was too broken to care. I couldn’t help anyone. I couldn’t save the Tower. I couldn’t help Leo.

  The hands slid under my knees and back, becoming arms, and the next thing I knew, I was floating, moving. Leo. Leo was carrying me. I couldn’t tell where we were going, but I clutched at his uniform, tears running steadily down my cheeks.

  I barely noticed when he sat me down on the bed, my body still shaking and trembling, but growing calmer as an icy numbness settled in, bringing with it a dense and thick fog that seemed to encase me in numbness. I stared just past him, at a closet. All of the doors were still open from when I had searched for Tian, and I could see my meager belongings inside. A spare pair of boots, three extra uniforms, a stack of undergarments, some black, some white, and some nondescript clothing.

  Something tugged gently at my foot, and I looked down. Leo was kneeling on the floor, his hands carefully pulling off my boots. I watched him numbly, trying to figure out what he was up to.

  He took gentle care as he removed first one, then the second, followed by my socks, to reveal my feet one by one. His hands slid over them, squeezing gently, and a curious warmth began to spread up my legs as he rubbed. He looked up from what he was doing, his eyes quizzical, and I met his gaze, but wa
s unable to present anything other than a blank expression.

  He let go of the foot he was rubbing, reached up, and stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers, wiping away the tears. Suddenly he stood up and left the room for a second, returning with a square piece of black fabric in his hands. He returned to a kneeling position, and carefully began wiping my face clean.

  My eyes burned from the force of the tears, and still felt wet all along the lashes, but I had stopped crying. I sat still as he stroked the cloth gently over my cheeks and nose, cleaning me. Nobody had ever shown me such tenderness before… and it was almost enough to make me start crying again.

  Instead, I sat there, trembling from a deep and bitter cold that had pierced my very soul. Leo must’ve sensed my distress, because he set the cloth next to me and began unzipping the front of my suit. In the back of my mind, I approved; the uniform was tight, and it was doing nothing to warm me. I heard the high-pitched hiss as it slid open, and then cool air slipped into the open space, making my shivering increase. I was wrong, I thought suddenly. I’d freeze if he exposed any more flesh.

  “Cold,” I mumbled, my voice roughened to a harsh gasp from the force of the crying.

  His eyes flicked up to me, and he nodded solemnly. “I know. I’m going to get you under the blanket just as soon as your uniform is off. It’ll help you get warm faster.”

  Blanket. That sounded warm. His words made sense. I trembled violently, and then gave him a tight nod, giving him permission to proceed.

  Ever so gently, he slid his fingers under the edge of my uniform and began easing it over one shoulder, guiding my arm out. The hand controls for my lashes got stuck on the cuff, but Leo slowly worked it free, then moved over to the other side and repeated the procedure, before easing the back of my uniform off the harness that contained my lashes. The lashes were still connected, but Leo didn’t seem to care about unthreading them from the suit. Instead, he placed a knee on the bed and swung around behind me.

  His hands dipped down over my shoulders, grabbing the first clasp of the harness where it crossed over my chest and carefully unclipping it, taking great pains not to touch me in a disrespectful manner. I acknowledged that dimly, but was too wrapped in the cocoon of bitter cold, which reached deep into the marrow of my bones, to feel anything else.

  Then he moved his arms even lower, fiddling with the second clip before releasing it. The gear on my back began to sag, and Leo carefully lifted the straps off of my shoulders and eased the harness off.

  The sudden lack of weight on my back felt great, and I sucked in a slightly deeper breath, hearing the sound come in as a sharp wheeze. My throat was still tight, but it felt good, too. Whatever he was doing, it was helping.

  The mattress shifted and then rose, indicating that he had left, and moments later he was helping me to my feet, moving to pull the uniform from my hips and down my legs. He knelt to do it, and I watched him.

  His hands were strong and tender, and even though he took care not to touch me, his fingers would occasionally skim over my skin. I stared at the uniform as it started to come off me, and then my mind drifted back into the hallway with Zale. Back to Maddox trying to push the Medic’s hand away to remove her mask, her eyes dazed and confused.

  They had been opening her suit, too, I realized, trembling inside. They had undressed her like this.

  Panic slammed into me, and I moved for the door, stumbling as my foot tangled in the uniform my legs still wore. I caught myself, and then bent over blindly, desperately trying to drag my uniform back up to cover my exposed skin. I imagined Maddox never getting to do it again.

  I imagined life without her.

  I imagined the last image I would ever have of her being that one in the hall—with her desperately trying to say something to us.

  Oh, Scipio. I had let her go alone to the Medica. She was alone there right now! No one knew what was happening! I had to get there… had to be there for her!

  I looked at the bed and saw that Leo had left it, closing the distance between us with his hands up, ready to soothe me, and I backed away like a cowed animal, afraid to let him touch me.

  “I can’t…” I mumbled, my breathing increasing again, rising with the swell of my panic. “Have to go to Maddox. Tell Quess and Zoe what happened. Keep looking for Tian.”

  I spotted my harness on the bed and went for it automatically, knowing that I would need it to get to the Medica as fast as possible. I managed to pick it up, but moments later it was firmly pulled from me and tossed onto the floor with a loud clang that made me quiver. Leo towered over me, his eyes blazing, and I was surprised to see a muscle in his jaw working.

  “You are no good to anyone like this,” he said, his voice coming across evenly.

  He didn’t understand. I was responsible for them, for their lives! I had to get to Maddox; I had to make sure she wasn’t alone. This wasn’t about me. This was about them!

  “Have to help them,” I mumbled, my eyes burning.

  His eyes softened. “I’m taking care of them,” he said, smoothing his hands over my shoulders. “I’ve been in communication with Zoe, Eric, and Quess. Zoe and Eric are going to continue their search for Tian with Lacey’s people, and Quess is on his way to the Medica now.”

  “It should be me,” I moaned softly, hot tears slipping from my eyes. And I didn’t mean being there for Maddox. I meant… it should’ve been me in the apartment with Ambrose. I should’ve been there—it had been my responsibility.

  “This isn’t a request,” he said firmly, his eyes hardening. Moments later he had grabbed my hand and tugged me over to my bed, where he removed the rest of my uniform so quickly that my head was dizzy with it. My legs and arms were now exposed, but I was wearing a sleeveless black undershirt and a pair of shorts that fell to mid-thigh. The important bits were covered.

  Good. I couldn’t deal with being any more vulnerable. I’d never felt so raw and exposed before, and so completely out of control. If anything else happened, I’d probably just go to sleep and never wake up. It’d be easier.

  It’d be cowardly. More tears streaked out of me at that thought, and I felt the truth of it. I was a coward. A coward and a failure.

  But Leo was moving me again, pulling back the heavy cover and guiding me into a lying-down position. I chose to lay on my side, my head resting on the pillow, my knees up to my chest. He held the blanket up, giving me plenty of room to lie down, and then carefully placed the cover over me, taking time to tuck me in.

  I shivered under the cover, still cold, my face wet, feeling the soft press of his fingers as he pushed the thick fabric under me. By the time he had finished one side, the shivering had stopped some—though I was left with a deep, icy pit inside, radiating with cold.

  Leo gave me a cursory look and then nodded to himself, as if satisfied with his handiwork. “Close your eyes,” he said gently. “I’ll be right outside.”

  He turned to go, but another burst of panic shot through me, so intense that I threw back the blanket and grabbed his wrist with both my hands. “Don’t go,” I said, my voice cracking. “Please.”

  I was being weak and needy. He had every right in the world to tell me to grow up and get some sleep—but he didn’t. Instead, he turned to me, and his warm brown eyes softened, as if his own heart were breaking to see me so devastated. His eyes traced over my face for a second, and then he nodded slowly.

  “I can sleep on the floor,” he said softly. “I’ll grab a pillow and blanket from my room and be right back.”

  He turned to go again, but I tightened my grip on his wrist, my heart pounding in fear. “No. Stay here. Please. Hold me.”

  What was I doing? Why had I even asked him that? I wasn’t sure, exactly. All I knew was that if he left me alone with these thoughts and feelings… I didn’t want to think about what would happen. I needed comfort, even if I didn’t deserve it, and I was selfishly asking for it.

  And Leo… Leo couldn’t deny me. I could see it in his eyes. �
�All right,” he said, reaching out and thumbing away my tears. “Please don’t cry. I’m here. I’ll take care of you.”

  I relaxed some, letting go of his arms and lying back down in my bed. Leo stood in front of me for a second or two, awkwardly hesitant about how to proceed, and then slowly reached up and began unzipping his suit. I watched him for a second, and then turned my gaze up to the ceiling. He’d had to look at me when he was undressing me, but I wasn’t undressing him.

  I heard the sound of him kicking off his boots, followed by the solid thunk of his harness hitting the ground. There was a soft whisper of sound as he removed the rest of his uniform, and then he was padding to the side of the bed. I moved over, scooting closer to the wall it was built against, and then pulled the blanket aside for him as much as I could without removing it from myself. He climbed in slowly, and as soon as he was in, I draped the blanket back over him.

  He shifted his weight around, the mattress dipping and bouncing a few times as he tried to get comfortable, and then he went still. The only place we were touching was where his shoulder was pressed against my own. I waited, wondering if he had simply forgotten that I had asked him to hold me, and then he broke the silence.

  “I’m not sure what to do.”

  A laugh escaped me—where it came from, I had no idea—and I leaned over, grabbed his arm where it sat on the cover, and pulled it over my waist. “You have to get closer,” I said, and seconds later, I felt the hot press of him as he spooned me.

  The heat was a relief, and within moments the panicked nervousness that had encased me started to ease. Some, but not completely. Leo lay behind me, his breathing deep and even, but if it weren’t for the heat he was radiating, I wouldn’t even have known he was there. Everything was silent and still. Just like Ambrose’s body… lying on the floor, blood trickling from his nose, ears, and eyes.

  Leo’s arm tightened around my waist, pulling me against him, and I realized my shivering had increased again. “Tell me what to do,” he said.