The Girl Who Dared to Think Read online

  I shifted over slightly and saw Cali standing a few feet away, a bemused smile on her lips. I hid my face behind Grey as I felt it turning bright red. Grey didn’t turn around until he was certain I was ready—something I was eternally grateful for. When I was, he made sure to grab my hand before turning.

  Cali’s smile had only grown, and facing her now, I could see that she was genuinely amused by the two of us. She held up the blankets she was holding, and Grey let go of my hand long enough to take them.

  “Relax,” she said. “You’re both adults—I can’t stop you from getting involved with each other. But Tian runs around here all the time, and I’d prefer not to expose her, just as I’d assume you’d rather not be exposed. So, just try to be more circumspect in future, all right?”

  I nodded, while Grey said, “All right.”

  Cali grinned, the corners of her eyes wrinkling, and then turned to leave. “Good night!” she called over her shoulder.

  “Good night,” we said together.

  When she was halfway up the stairs, Grey turned to me. “Are you... I mean... How are you?”

  My cheeks, still red from the embarrassment of Cali catching us and calling us out like that, started to inflame again, and it was getting painful. I let go of his hand and began massaging them with my fingertips.

  “Incredibly embarrassed,” I told him after a second.

  “Because Cali caught us?”

  I hesitated, and then shook my head. “Not exactly. I... I mean we...” I trailed off, flustered. How could I explain that I was a little afraid of how I just... reacted with him? To him? It was like someone had flipped a switch and I had lost all semblance of control. It was intimidating, and I didn’t know how to process it on top of this already crazy day.

  “Hey, hey.” He stepped close, and placed his hands on my shoulders, instantly trying to console me. “It’s okay... I think I get it. It’s been a long day, and a whole lot has happened.”

  “Yes,” I breathed, instantly relieved that he understood. “I just need some time to think and process and... come to terms with everything, I guess.” I twisted around to face him. “Is that okay?”

  “Of course it is,” he said gently. “I’m sorry for—”

  “Don’t apologize,” I interrupted, pressing my fingers to his lips. He gave me a confused look, and I smiled. “It would be like you were apologizing for kissing me in the first place, and I don’t want you to... I don’t want you to feel sorry about that.”

  His expression softened, and I sensed the moment threatening to return, and diverted it by taking a small step back. “I’m gonna head to bed, I think,” I said, swallowing hard, and he nodded, moving away a few paces over to his hammock. I felt the need to add something, so I did: “Thanks for giving me a little time.”

  “My pleasure—just don’t think I’m going to let it go,” Grey said, sitting back into his hammock like an old pro. He met my gaze, a confident smile playing on his lips. “Because I’m not.”

  My heart continued its heavy drumming against my ribcage, and I quickly lashed up the few feet to my own hammock and gingerly climbed into it, needing some space between myself and that cocky, enigmatic face, lest I cave.

  But Cali was right, and I wasn’t ready to just... fall into bed with a guy I barely knew. You know all that you need to know, my mind whispered, but I shoved it aside. I wasn’t that girl, and we had barely started acknowledging our attraction to each other. I needed for this to go slowly.

  “Good night,” Grey’s voice said teasingly from below. “Here.” Something flew up from below, spinning up and over and landing with a thump on top of my chest—the blanket that Cali had brought in.

  “’Night,” I called down quickly, needing there to be an end to everything. I held my breath and waited, hearing the fabric rustle as he lay back into his hammock a few feet below. I waited for things to go still, before finally starting to get ready for bed.

  I quickly shrugged out of my uniform and spread out the woolen blanket that Grey had just tossed up, curling up under it. It took me a few minutes to figure out how to adjust my limbs and lie in the hammock, but I finally found a comfortable position. The hammock swayed back and forth, and I stared out the window for a long time, using my arms as pillows. I thought about everything that had happened today, and about what the next step might be. I thought about Zoe. I thought about my parents and Alex. I searched for ways out of this mess.

  Long before the answers came, my eyelids grew too heavy to resist the draw of sleep, so I gave up trying.

  29

  I spent most of my first day in Sanctum in my hammock, fast asleep. It was, admittedly, not the wisest move to make, considering the situation, but it was as if everything had just suddenly caught up with me. I’d spent weeks not sleeping properly, barely eating, and just clinging onto the ledge with every fingertip dug in tight. Now that it felt like I was out of sight of the Tower, I could finally breathe. Sleep was the only natural recourse after that.

  As a result, the first day there was a blur that consisted of two bathroom breaks, some sort of salad that contained an inordinate amount of tomatoes for some reason, and a visit from Grey (and that was to deliver said salad, as I had slept through dinner).

  The second day there, I got sick. There was no rhyme or reason, save that my system was still rundown enough that a virus could sneak its way past my defenses. I must have brought it with me when we came down. I knew something was wrong when I woke up in a sweat, my joints aching with a deep shiver that seemed to radiate from my bones.

  The chattering of my teeth woke Grey, and he quickly got Roark. The two men lowered my hammock down, and Roark quickly began to check me over, while Grey wrapped me in another blanket. It didn’t feel like enough.

  Then Roark gave me some medicine, and it was lights out.

  When I woke up again, I felt worlds better. I was stretching out my aching limbs and shifting slightly in my hammock, debating the pros and cons of going back to sleep, when a voice alerted me to the fact that I wasn’t alone.

  “No,” Tian squeaked quietly. “She’s still not awake, but I did see the hammock moving.”

  There was a pause, and I lifted my eyelids, taking in the bright light. I shifted, the fabric of the hammock moving around, and sat up, looking around groggily.

  I found Tian standing a few feet away, perched on her toes like a bird about to take flight, Grey opposite her. It was clear my waking had attracted their attention and caused their conversation to die out.

  “Morning,” I said, my mouth inexplicably dry. I looked around dully and wrinkled my nose at the stale smell of sweat and general funk that seemed to be wafting from my body. It was... not spectacular. “What happened? How long have I been out?”

  “You got here four days ago,” Tian announced.

  I looked up at Grey and was surprised to see that the bags under his eyes hadn’t lessened. If anything, they’d increased. His eyes met mine, and the corner of his mouth quirked up.

  “You had the flu,” he added, for my edification, and I blinked dumbly at him. “Roark said it was because you were so tired that you became vulnerable to it. But he managed to keep you mildly sedated so you could get through the process quickly. You don’t remember anything?”

  I shook my head, and I saw something I could swear was disappointment flash across his face, but it was gone too quickly for me to identify it. So I pushed it aside, trying to focus on the facts. I’d been here for four days. I’d been gone from the Tower’s radar for four days.

  No one knew where I was, except for the people here.

  I exhaled, suddenly anxious. Everyone was going to be so worried about me. They were going to think I was hurt, kidnapped, or even dead! Zoe was still up there as well, the four on her wrist dragging her inexorably down, through the Medica and into the Citadel. Into that glass cell. Oh, God, if she thought I was dead... it would tear her apart. She would be just like Sarah, crashing down to a three and then a two, befor
e...

  The image I had conjured long ago flashed back into my mind: Zoe in place of the woman Gerome had killed in the Tower, the bright light in her eyes extinguished, her body utterly still. No more of her spark, her light, the joy she created in me, just because she had gifted me with her friendship... I needed to know what was going on with her. I needed to let her know I was okay. It would help slow her descent... and maybe I could get her a month’s supply of Paragon while I was at it.

  I sat up and slipped my legs over the edge of the fabric, awkwardly sliding out of the hammock. Grey and Tian both looked alarmed as I landed barefoot on the cold floor, but I kept my legs under me, ignoring the wobble in my knees. I was still in my underclothes, and even if I didn’t want to believe it had been four days since we’d arrived, the dried sweat stains and dirt on them were evidence enough.

  “I need my clothes,” I said, looking around for my uniform. “And my lashes.”

  “Why?” asked Grey at the same time as Tian said, “Quess has your lashes.”

  I blinked and looked at Grey. “I want to go talk to Cali about Zoe. Why does Quess have my lashes?” Asking the question without any panic in my voice was hard, but I didn’t want to cause a scene. Still, I was concerned—I didn’t like the idea of anyone else fiddling around with my equipment. Knights were trained to service their own equipment, so they wouldn’t have to place their lives in someone else’s hands. The fact that Quess was even now touching my gear...

  “He’s improving them,” Tian said with a smile. “So you can use them outside like I can. Do you want to see?”

  I frowned and pondered her statement and question. Use them outside like she could? I could use them outside, except for here under the Greenery, and that was just because the hydro-turbines kicked up too much water for the static charge to even form. Although, come to think of it, I couldn’t use them in the greeneries either, and in a few of the rooms in Water Treatment where there were large exposed pools or the waters were running through a condensation process to eliminate toxins. Maybe he had a way of making them work in those environments?

  “Yes, but I should probably get some clothes first. Where is my uniform?”

  “Cali has it,” she replied with a smile. “And she’s also not here right now, but she should be home soon.”

  “Where’d she go?”

  Tian shrugged her slim shoulders, looking slightly nervous, and I realized that I was making her uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Tian,” I breathed, moving over to her and kneeling. “I didn’t mean to ask so many questions. I’m just feeling... a little out of place with all of my things missing.”

  “Oh.” Tian bounced back and forth from foot to foot. “I’m sorry!”

  “There’s nothing to be sorry about—I know everyone’s just trying to help.”

  Tian beamed at me, a dimple forming in her right cheek, and she reached over and patted my head. “You’re a kind girl—not just tough like Doxy. I like you.”

  I managed a smile—it wasn’t too hard, because Tian just seemed to naturally exude happiness—but it was hard to hold on to the moment with my worry for Zoe looming over me.

  Grey cleared his throat softly, and I looked up past Tian’s head to see him giving me a crooked smile. “Cali did leave you some fresh clothes while she’s cleaning your uniform.” He gestured to a pile of black fabric folded up on a chair next to my hammock.

  “Thanks,” I said, picking up the pile. “I’ll just get dressed and—”

  “You’re not allowed to leave this room until you take a shower,” Tian said primly, cocking her head. “We all voted, and you have to. Just like when it’s my bath time.”

  “And just like Tian when it gets close to her bath time, you smell a little bit.” I looked over at Grey to see his eyes sparkling with mischief, and rolled my eyes. I didn’t need him letting me know that I was more than a little ripe. More importantly, he didn’t need to know that. It was embarrassing.

  Tian grinned at me, and nodded, her white bob bouncing up and down. “You smell a lot a bit.”

  And just like that, I was smiling again. I was getting the feeling it was impossible to feel any form of negativity around the impish girl. Maybe we needed to bottle the exuberance she was exhibiting—it beat the hell out of any pills the Medica was pushing.

  “All right,” I said, raising one hand in defeat. “Message received. Help a girl out by directing her to the showers?”

  Tian pointed, her arm stiff and finger outstretched. “Up the stairs,” she said primly. “There’s soap and towels already in there. We’ll wait here for you. Grey is going to teach me a game, so take your time!”

  I looked over her head at Grey, and was surprised to see him smiling widely at the young girl, a deck of cards already spinning between his fingers. “Today, I’ll be teaching you an important lesson about losing—specifically how to do so gracefully,” he announced, and Tian tittered, one hand coming up to cover the crooked smile on her face.

  The two of them wandered to a nearby table that had seemingly manifested out of nowhere. They must’ve moved it in for me, because it was covered with a few pill bottles and the remains of two meals. That meant people had been keeping me company for at least two days. I absorbed that as Grey looked up from where he was now pushing in Tian’s seat, his eyes finding mine and a small smile tugging at his lips.

  I stared, my heart pounding, as I suddenly connected the dots. I’d been here for four days. I’d been sick for at least two of those four days. And he’d been sitting with me. Vague memories tugged at me, flashes of his brown eyes brimming with concern, a strong hand wiping the sweat off my forehead with a cold cloth, the sound of his voice... No words, just the sound, strong and steady and soothing.

  He broke the connection to sit down across from Tian, and I turned tail and ran, desperately needing a shower and a moment to collect myself before deciding what to do next, what I was going to do with or about Grey, and how I was going to convince Cali to at least let me check on Zoe.

  The shower definitely helped me to center myself. The water was hot, and as I cleaned off four days’ worth of sweat and grime, I began to feel more like a human and less like a zombie. I took some time to dry off in the small locker room, then donned the black clothes. These weren’t microthread, and had a heavy, slightly cumbersome feel. The pants were a bit snug in the rear, the shirt a bit long in the arms, but overall they were a good fit. Still, I couldn’t help but feel I was carrying around too much on my skin.

  I stepped out of the shower and walked back down the stairs. Grey and Tian were still sitting at the table, and I could hear Grey’s loud laugh over Tian’s shrieking one, followed by a slamming sound as they both slapped their hands on the table. I smiled as the laughter cut short and was quickly replaced by suspicious eyes as the two glared at each other. After a long moment, they withdrew their hands and looked at the cards they had just thrown down.

  Grey stood up just as Tian grabbed her face and began to moan in a dramatic fashion. “The winner and still champion!” he crowed victoriously, fists pumping in the air.

  Tian’s head rolled forward and planted cheek-first onto the table. “Nooooooooooooooo!” she groaned, her hands sweeping back and forth and dislodging the cards there. She didn’t do it hard enough to knock any of them to the floor, but I still couldn’t help but laugh, especially when she spotted me and sat straight up, with a card stuck to her cheek.

  I doubled over, laughing, too entertained by their cuteness, and Grey began laughing as well. Tian looked around, blinking.

  “What?” she asked, completely oblivious to the card on her face. Then she reached up, touched it, and ripped it away from her cheek with a theatrical eye roll.

  “You two are sooooooooo immature,” she said, her nose lifting up in the air as she flicked the card at Grey. She pushed off the chair and stood up, smoothing out her short skirt, and my laughter faded back into bemusement at her antics. “Ready to go see Quess?” she asked once our laught
er had died out.

  “Yes, please.” I was beyond ready. My lashes were my life, and even though I had definitely needed the shower, making sure my equipment was okay was a very close second (since I had to wait anyway).

  Tian smiled and began skipping her way to the stairs leading back to the hall and the kitchen. I made to follow her, and Grey fell in next to me, his hands shoved in his pockets.

  “So, you and Tian seem to be getting along well. How have the last few days been with everyone?”

  “Good,” Grey replied. “I mean, when you got sick, we all took turns sitting with you.”

  “Grey sat with you the most,” Tian called over her shoulder.

  Grey’s cheeks flushed, and he ducked his head, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. “I... well... I thought you might be uncomfortable if it wasn’t someone you really knew yet sitting over you when you woke up.”

  I was taken aback by his statement, but inordinately pleased. “Thank you,” I said. He looked up at me, and I added, “That was very thoughtful of you.”

  “Don’t mention it.” The warm feeling I was holding in my heart was nice, and I wanted so much to build on it, to keep it going... but then I thought of Zoe, and just felt downright selfish. Here I was, checking my lashes and flirting with a guy I liked, and meanwhile she was worried sick wondering what had happened to me.

  I looked away, suddenly heartsick, and Grey reached out to put an arm around my shoulders, pulling me over to him.

  “It’s going to be okay, Liana. Cali and everyone—except for Maddox, Maddox is scary—” I looked at him, and he gave a little shrug. “She’s been teaching me to fight, and she’s not exactly... patient?”

  “Gentle,” Tian chimed in helpfully from ahead. “Doxy isn’t gentle. But she means well. She even taught me a few things.”

  And to demonstrate, the girl spun around and landed squarely on one stair, her legs spread apart. She punched her fists into the air in front of her, and shouted, “Pow, pow,” as she did it. Grey and I stared at her, both of us sharing a smile as she sweetly lowered her arms and smoothed her skirt down again.