The Girl Who Dared to Think Read online

  It occurred to me that I was a statistic no matter what I did, and I set fire to the idea until it was ashes, and focused on Grey, my task clear: get him to confess how he changed his number, and use it. But I had to go slow; whatever it was, it could be illegal or possibly even embarrassing. He needed to feel confident before confiding in me.

  “I see your number went up,” he said. “Good for you.”

  I looked down at my wrist and then slapped my hand over the number, shifting my weight. “Thanks,” I said. “But I’m not sure how much longer it’ll be there.”

  He looked back at me, his brows furrowed, but he said nothing. After a moment he shoved away from the rail to stand before me. “You want something from me,” he said flatly. “What would that be?”

  I stood there, the question starting and stopping at least a dozen times in the space of a heartbeat. I was taking a dangerous risk, now that I thought about it. If I took a moment to believe in Scipio, then it would mean that somehow Grey had earned his forgiveness. And if I accused Grey, a nine, of cheating the system, my rank might tap-dance its merry way back down to four, and then three all over again. And then where would I be?

  “Yes,” I admitted after a pause, looking at him through my eyelashes. “I do. But… I’m having a hard time asking it.” He started to roll his eyes, and I impulsively took a step forward, grabbing his arm and looking at him. “I’m sorry, I just… feel like I’ve woken up in this stranger’s life, and I feel more out of place than I ever did before. I can’t remember anything from the past week, my mother is finally praising me, everyone is acting like I’m some sort of hero instead of the villain—which is also uncomfortable in its own right—and now I’m standing on a catwalk, unloading on a complete stranger I tried to arrest over a week ago, because I’m not sure what to do.”

  I finished my rant right around the same time as my mind began to scream out an alert that maybe I shouldn’t be saying what I was saying, and I looked down, heat rising to my cheeks and pooling there, until I was sure they would start to smoke. Grey didn’t say anything, but a quick glance up told me he was watching me with an unmistakable look of sympathy. As soon as I tilted my chin up to confirm it, it disappeared behind a tight, neutral mask.

  “Well, that was a lot to take in,” he said after a moment. He folded the knife and slipped it into his pocket, while depositing the apple core into another one. I watched as he turned to leave, my heart sinking into my stomach, the urge to kick the railing increasing with his every step as he walked away, when he suddenly called, “You coming or what?” over his shoulder.

  I followed, my heart pounding in my chest as we quickly crossed the long catwalk until we were at the doorway at the other end and stepping into a wide space filled with pipes. They rumbled all around us with hidden floods, mirroring my own hammering heart.

  Everything about him was just different. His cocky smile, his arrogant attitude—it was mysterious and intriguing. It was also the thing that made the nine on his wrist all the more wrong: he was just too full of life to hold a nine.

  “Which medication do they have you on?” he asked loudly over the rattle and gurgle of the pipes.

  “Peace,” I replied, tugging the edges of my uniform down self-consciously.

  He shot me a glance over his shoulder, his brown eyes once again sympathetic. “They had me on that during my third treatment.”

  I recognized the opportunity and seized it, reaching out and putting a hand on his shoulder while my other hand withdrew the little mystery pill of his that was still, thankfully, in my uniform’s pocket. It was odd, because it had been in a fresh suit, which meant Prim had been moving it, but she hadn’t done anything with or about it. Still, I was glad to find it there—I hadn’t intended to run into Grey, so hadn’t thought about where the pill could be.

  “Is this the new medication they’ve got you on?” I asked, holding it up for him to see. “Are you testing it for them? What’s it like? You clearly still feel like you, don’t you? Just a happier you?”

  He frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  “This pill?” I asked—practically shouted—as I held the pill in front of his face.

  He looked at it, and his face paled slightly as his eyes took it in. “Where did you find that?” he asked sharply, reaching for it.

  I held it back, clutching it in my fist. “Oh, no, you don’t,” I said, taking a step back. “Not until you tell me what it’s called and what program in the Medica is using it. How long have they been testing it? And—”

  “That is my personal property, and it’s none of your business,” he said, his hand reaching out again. “Now, if you will—”

  “No,” I said, evading his grasp. “I need you to tell me. I really don’t mean to embarrass you, but I need to know. What is this?”

  Grey watched me, his entire posture indecisive. “I can’t tell you that,” he said after a moment, and I met his gaze.

  “Why not?”

  He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, the dampness of the previous room causing a few blond locks to stand up crooked, giving him a wild look. “It’s not my place to talk about it.”

  “Whose is it?” I demanded.

  He looked away. “I can’t tell you that, either.”

  I let out a frustrated breath and tried not to growl. “What can you tell me?”

  “That you should give me that pill and walk away from this. It’s dangerous.”

  “That means illegal,” I said, and he winced painfully. “This isn’t from the Medica. You’re working with someone.”

  “I’m done talking,” he said, turning to move away.

  “Wait,” I cried, racing around him and blocking his path. “I won’t tell anyone, I swear. Just tell me about these pills! I can’t go back on Peace. But if I don’t, I know I’ll drop to a one before too long. I need something else, please. I can’t keep doing this.”

  Grey clenched his jaw, his eyes looking up over my head, a vein in his forehead ticking. “You don’t understand; I can’t trust you. You’re a Squire. So please, leave me alone—before I’m forced to report you for harassing a nine.”

  I gaped at him, surprised by the cruelty of the threat, and then got angry. He moved to push past me, and I slammed a hand on his chest and forced him back, shoving him into a wall. His eyes widened in surprise as I held him there.

  “I need your help!” I said. He pushed against me, trying to get leverage to break the hold, but I resisted him, using a nearby pipe to brace my foot and keep him from moving.

  He stopped, giving me a probing glance. “Look, I’m an apprentice to a rather eccentric doctor. He works in solitude, creating new drugs for the Medica all the time, and I deliver them. What you found was one of the pills I was transporting.”

  “That’s a lie,” I said angrily. “You were a one. The Medica would never have trusted you with that job before you miraculously became a nine.”

  Grey sighed. “Fine,” he said after a moment. “Ease up a little, and I’ll tell you. For a price.”

  I took a step back, eyeing him warily. “What price?”

  His answering grin was slow, giving him time to smooth out the wrinkles in his clothes. “A kiss.”

  I felt my face go instantly scarlet. I had only ever kissed one boy before, and believe me when I say that it wasn’t on a whim. I had agonized for weeks, building up to it. Picked the right time and moment. Here, surrounded by pipes, did not seem like the right moment. Grey didn’t even seem like the right person.

  “Oh, wow,” he said with a whistle. “That’s an impressive shade of red. Don’t tell me you’ve never been kissed before.” The teasing note in his voice threw me off, and I took another step back, decidedly uncomfortable.

  It had taken so much courage to build up to my first kiss, and in the end it hadn’t mattered. He had not shared my attraction. And this felt even less comfortable—the location was all wrong, murky and loud, and Grey was… mysterious. Adventurous. It made m
e want to know what he was hiding, and why he would demand a kiss for it.

  I was actually considering this, I realized with a nervous flutter in my stomach. As odd as it was, I really was—because I needed answers. Needed a way to avoid becoming Prim again.

  I reached out and grabbed Grey by the front of his shirt.

  “Hey, wait,” he said, the smile vanishing from his face. “No, I didn’t mean—”

  “Shut up,” I said as I took a step into him, my eyes on his lips. “I accept your terms.”

  “Right, but I think I should—”

  I lifted up onto my tiptoes and pressed my lips against his in a chaste press, cutting off whatever he was saying.

  He grew very still for a long moment, and then his arms came up and slid around my waist, dragging me close. The kiss changed, grew hungrier, and I broke away and took a step back, my hand going to my lips in shock. I’d never been kissed like that before.

  I met his eyes, and noticed that his cheeks were flushed. “Now,” I said, panting slightly as I brushed a lock of black hair from my face. “Tell me.”

  He spread his arms, looking embarrassed. “I told you,” he said, his cheeks growing darker. “I didn’t mean it. I meant what I said earlier: I can’t—”

  “Are you joking?” I exclaimed, taking an aggressive step forward. “You told me you—”

  “You were holding me against my will,” he pointed out, his embarrassment fading. “You weren’t taking no for an answer. I just thought it’d get you to back off… I didn’t know you’d take it seriously.”

  I flushed, embarrassed that he’d seen how far I was willing to go, and suddenly the urge to get out was upon me. I couldn’t have felt more vulnerable, desperate, and exposed if I had walked into the Knight Commander’s office and declared Scipio’s programming to be filled with some pretty serious flaws.

  “You’re an ass—and you deserve to be a nine,” I spat, turning and breaking into a run to get as far away from him as possible.

  “Wait, Squire… I’m sorry!” he called behind me, but I ignored it, throwing my lashes up to move away from him even more quickly.

  I made my way to Zoe’s quarters, my bleak outlook turning downright dismal after my encounter with Grey. Zoe’s quarters sat over the massive turbines below, in the bottommost level. In fact, the first time I had been there, I’d expected the entire floor to vibrate from the force of the machines below, but it was surprisingly silent, and still.

  Diver sections all looked the same: brightly colored murals decorated the walls, depicting scenes significant to the Water Ways. From the eradication of the great cities to the history of the Tower, the murals all showed a river of flowing water—the Tower’s lifeblood. I stepped gingerly through the offerings of specially crafted incense and bits of food left in front of them, and continued through the halls until I arrived at her quarters.

  I pressed a button and waited. A moment later it slid aside to reveal Zoe, her blue eyes narrowed suspiciously at me.

  “What do you want?” she demanded. “Here to tell me to try treatment again?”

  I swallowed. “Uh, no,” I replied. “I didn’t actually tell you that, did I?”

  She frowned. “Three times,” she said. “You also told Eric that he was ‘very sweet,’ but that ‘associating with low numbers would be harmful to possible futures in the Tower.’”

  I buried my face in my hands. “Ah, hell.”

  Zoe examined me for a long moment. “That’s really you, isn’t it?” she finally asked. “Not the princess?”

  “I’ve been calling her Prim,” I said dryly. “Her hobbies include studying, cleaning, making my parents love her, and now, apparently, doling out unsolicited advice like an elevator computer.”

  “Now you see why I don’t take the elevators,” she said with a grin, stepping aside and ushering me in.

  Zoe’s house was different from mine, but then again, Divers were deeply religious people. Furniture was absent, replaced with colorful and intricately embroidered pillows and mats, to separate them as little as possible from the Tower. The sitting area surrounded a small fountain that shot a stream of water a foot off the floor, backlit by blue lights, which served as the family altar. The altar was adorned with small offerings, placed on the rim of the bowl the water spilled into—half a pear, some more incense, a wedding band. A glowing image of Zoe’s father filled the wall behind the fountain, his eyes watching us both.

  “So,” Zoe said as she waited for me to kick my boots off before leading me to her room, “what happened, and how are you back? I can’t see Princess Prim not keeping to her scheduled dosages.”

  I immediately flopped onto her bed and tilted my head up toward the ceiling, watching the clear, glowing pipe of bubbling water shooting by overhead.

  “I honestly don’t know,” I admitted balefully. “I just woke up today feeling normal. No—not normal. Like I was waking up from a nightmare to realize I was living a stranger’s life.” I looked down at my feet, my legs in the perfectly pressed uniform. “And suddenly I just couldn’t take it anymore. I got out of there as fast as I could.”

  Zoe sighed and tossed her hair over her shoulder, then crossed over to her desk. Several slim books stood in a line, their covers of various colors. She pulled out a red one and began flipping through it, slowly turning around. Then she paused and began to read.

  “‘Procedures performed by the Medica in order to prevent dissidence are more often than not met with failure. Medications that have been developed thus far have no lasting effect on the subject, and are—'’”

  “Summarize, girl,” I interrupted, and she looked up at me, her nose wrinkling.

  “You’re no fun.” She pouted as she put the book back in its rightful place, treating it gently. “Basically, we develop a tolerance to the medication eventually, and some people are just… naturally immune.”

  “Of course I am one of those people,” I breathed, and she gave me a sympathetic look. I placed my face into my hands and exhaled. “Why can’t I just catch a break?” I mumbled, my voice coming out muffled from behind my hands.

  “I didn’t catch that, but if you’re whining about why life isn’t being fair to you, I suggest you take a look outside this Tower and think about whether history has been fair to humanity.”

  I sat up, her words like hot lead being poured into a lethal mold. “That’s great for humanity, Zoe, but I’m having a bit of a selfish moment over here, and would appreciate some sympathy. I mean, how can I be expected to succeed if my body or mind or whatever won’t even get with the program? I really don’t want to find out the hard way what restructuring is.”

  She blinked at me, her angry face withdrawing some, and sighed. I knew why she was angry—she didn’t like pity parties or people feeling sorry for themselves. It was her biggest pet peeve.

  “Do you think you can maintain your number for a while at least? Maybe I can do some research or something.”

  By way of response, I held up my wrist. The orange five held firm.

  “Apparently not,” Zoe said gravely. “That didn’t take long.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She frowned. “You were a six yesterday,” she said.

  “What am I going to do?” I asked, my eyes still on the pipe overhead.

  Zoe lay down beside me and wrapped an arm around my waist, hugging me. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “But the drugs have got to go. That’s first and foremost.”

  My mind flashed to the pill in my pocket and the kiss Grey and I had shared, and I flushed with embarrassment and shame, grabbing one of her pillows and shoving it over my face.

  “Oh, God, Zoe, I made a complete idiot of myself today, on top of everything else.”

  “What? How is that possible? It’s only ten in the morning!”

  “I know,” I groaned as I removed the pillow and rolled onto my side so I could face her. My fingers traced the outline of an elephant on the bedspread before me, gold in a sea of royal b
lue, and I sighed. “Do you remember that one I told you about? The one that suddenly became a nine?”

  “Yeah. That happened on the day you became a three.”

  I smiled, pleased that she remembered. It might seem like a small thing, but it made me feel important, knowing that she actually listened and cared about what I told her.

  “Well, anyway, I ran into him, and…” I flushed, the blush growing hotter as I forced out the words. “…I wound up kissing him.”

  Silence met my confession, and when I looked up into my best friend’s face, I could see the incredulity there. “You kissed a potential criminal,” she said flatly, her brows furrowing. “Now I know you’re off the drugs for sure. Princess Prim would never do that.”

  “He’s a nine,” I said defensively. “So technically, Princess Prim wouldn’t have a problem with kissing him.”

  The thought backfired as I realized the implications of what I had just said: as long as I took those pills, I would never really know who I was kissing—or why. Kissing Grey didn’t seem so bad, under that light. Sure, it had happened under false pretenses, but at least I got to make the decision—even if it was the wrong one. It was my bad decision to make. Not hers.

  Zoe stared at me, then gave me a small smile. “So how was it?” she asked.

  “Zoe!” I chided, grabbing a pillow and whapping her in the face with it. But my mind flashed to that hungry kiss, and I felt another blush coming on. This time, however, I managed to push it back, needing to take this seriously so she would too. “Look, I think this guy has some information on a case I’m working on. He told me he’d give me the information if I kissed him, and I—”

  “Say no more,” she said with a smile, sitting up and pressing on a panel on the wall over her bed. “This is a classic romance story arc,” she said, pulling a battered book from the now exposed compartment. I alone was privy to this little cache of illegal books, and it had never once occurred to me to turn her or them in. Besides, she let me borrow Charlotte’s Web regularly; it made me see spiders in a whole new light, and now I let the little things run loose in my room. Unless they touched me, in which case the truce was ended. It was a shame fiction books were contraband—the stories held in their pages were nothing short of magic in our glum existence.